Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Idiot savant

Yesterday I decided the best way to handle how quickly my iPhone runs out of juice is to just pack my extra power cord in my bag and so any time I'm near an outlet I can charge up if I need to. I tried out this genius idea at rehearsal last night, which worked like a charm. Of course, I ended up leaving the goddamn thing plugged into the wall when I left like the space cadet that I am, and had to beg Elana to grab it for me before the end of the night. Naturally, all my great acts of genius are balanced out by something mind-numbingly moronic a brief time later.

Happy birthday Elana!

Today is the twenty-first birthday of linearequation, my lovely Madam Director and the best Guildenstern anybody ever could have asked for. Wish her love and wonder!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Sleep solution

One thing I'm grateful for is that sleeping resets me. I usually feel better when I wake up. Of course, this tendency may contribute to the unusual amount I'm sleeping. The more bad feeling I need to get rid of, the more often I sleep.

Have I mentioned I'm sleeping a lot lately?

Monday, September 28, 2009

Don't want to deal

In Surprised by Joy, C.S. Lewis talks about how he had always been inclined toward sacrificing all aspects of a state of being, both positive and negative, than having to endure anything negative about that state of being at all. He preferred, for example, abject neglect by others if it meant no mistreatment or interference; he preferred blandness to offensiveness even if it meant nothing of interest; in short, he would give up all possibility of anything positive as long as it meant avoiding a particular negative.

Lately I have been in something akin to that state fairly frequently. I have had no capacity to handle anything troublesome lately. Well, that's not exactly true. I have been technically able to, but when things arise that I will have to handle, it just makes me feel utterly overwhelmed and desirous of doing anything to avoid it. I have just been subsumed into an overall state of "not wanting to deal." I have been avoiding people rather than putting myself into frustrating interactions. The slightest complication to my life has sent me seeking some escape. I'm worried this is why I've been sleeping more, and why I've been wanting so much time alone. Having nothing to deal with means nothing negative to deal with, but at the expense of anything positive.

This worries me because I am concerned of what really important things this will drive me to avoid rather than confront. It also worries me because I'm concerned about what this desire to avoid will drive me to do.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Getting going

Been feeling a little bit low-energy lately, and sleeping more hours than I normally do. Yesterday, despite a pleasantly low-key day spent mostly alone, I think I slept ten hours at night and two more in a nap. Hoping to avoid feeling so sleepy today, I rose early and took a scaldingly hot shower. I actually do feel better now; maybe Jared is right and whenever I feel draggy I should just jump in the shower.

Can't afford to be useless today; I will be attending my first GM meeting with the Labor Wars team. I want to be on the ball so I can contribute and be helpful. I find myself wishing I still had a laptop so I could take it with me to access the wiki and be able to take more efficient notes, but unfortunately while I used to have both, at the moment I only have a desktop. Ah, well, I suppose my trusty gaming notebook will have to suffice. If I need to check out the website, my iPhone will probably suffice.

Also, Oz and Paranoia are now filled for SFS Live Action Weekend at WPI. I am very pleased-- I shall be sending out casting questionnaires shortly, and the preparation process must begin.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Signups going well

Enjoyed going over the the Time Travel Review Board dead dog. It was great to see everyone and just hang out and chat for a while, though I wasn't interested in eating because Jared and I had just made dinner for Sharone, who is in town for Yom Kippur this weekend. I spent most of the evening continually refreshing the web browser on my iPhone to see who is signing up for Oz and Paranoia at WPI Live Action Weekend. Oz already has a full complement (heh) and Paranoia is well on its way. I am pleased, and until everything's full I will still obsessively look after the singups.

Gave myself a little home manicure last night before I went to bed. I've never had enough nails before to need one, so I had to do a little research on the Internet to teach myself how to do it. I didn't do anything fancy, just file, buff, and oil, using the supplies generously given to me for my last birthday by ultimatepsi. I had a little spur on my left pointer nail that I wanted to see if I could file down without breaking the whole nail off. They came out imperfectly but not bad; I like how smooth and shiny the buffer made them. I may just achieve attractive nails yet.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Schedule-building

Ah, so very much to put on my calendar. I suppose it's better to be busy than to have nothing to do, but it just seems like more and more keeps coming up.

I just found out there will be a game running at Brandeis in the middle of RPI weekend, which adds another quandary to that time period. It's certainly easier to just play a game that's on my doorstep, but I wonder if it isn't more important to make the gesture of coming out to game with all the people who regularly come out to game with us. I am definitely resolved to not run anything at RPI, I think I don't need the extra responsibility, but I still have not resolved as to whether I can attend or not.

As for WPI's event, due to some scheduling issues with my fellow GMs, Paranoia had to be moved to Sunday November 15th at the last moment, but I think everything's settled now. Now I can play in Chateau Ennui. My plan at the moment, as my calendar reads, will be Oz Friday night, Bard of Avalon Saturday afternoon, Chateau Saturday night, and Paranoia Sunday afternoon. I think that's a reasonable docket.

Signups for this weekend open at 7PM tonight. Just go to this address, and make sure that, if you haven't played in Oz or Paranoia, you get your name in there early. :-) Play my games, God damn it!

As a side note, I like the picture of myself as the Fool in this icon. It has a strange motion to it, and I like the artificial color the stage makeup gives me. Makes me look almost like a china doll.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Slew o' userpics

Was suddenly overcome with the desire to upload more userpics. I went to more of my pictures of myself as Puck and the Fool. The Puck pictures are fun because of the interesting body positions, sharp colors, and cool makeup. The Fool pictures I use because of how expressive they are. I name all the Puck ones "Puck 1" and "Puck 2" and so forth because they're mostly just variations on a theme, but each one of the Fool shows a different feeling or emotional state, so they get names like "Ranting Fool" and "Tired Fool" and "Cavalier Fool" and "Cool Fool."

Heh. Thinking about it now, I must say I believe the Fool was the best performance I ever gave on stage. Thank you, Frances, for giving that to me.

That said, instead I give you Puck and His Fine, Fine Ladies. Fairy pimpin', yo.

Capturing Paris

Had my first blocking rehearsal for Romeo and Juliet last night, and I enjoyed it very much. I'm liking this character, Count Paris, but I think he is going to take a little while to really get a handle on. I've played more than my share of men on stage before, but I believe this is the first time I've ever played a character that required this particular kind of "model of a man" masculine presence. Paris is supposed to be an attractive, powerful, highly admirable example of masculinity. I know I can be a small and perhaps slightly delicate man. Can I be a handsome alpha male? That's a little tough when your Juliet is taller than you.

Contrast my most recent previous male roles-- Fleance, Puck, the Fool, Dromio. A boy who wasn't yet a grown man. A nonhuman presence that didn't need any strong gendering. A flexible presence that was far more defined by personality. A comedic character who wasn't supposed to have any manly authority. It was easier to buy that these character were males who simply weren't "man's men." With Paris, though, you can tell from the way the other characters talk about him that they see him as basically the model of what a man should be-- I think being decidedly masculine is part of that. It's important that I establish him as a figure who would have earned that reputation, and I don't know if just going with the "delicate-featured youth" air is going to cut it. It's going to be a real challenge for me to project that kind of presence, but I'm going to work very hard on it and I am determined to figure it out.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

I am so very popular lately

So, as it turns out, I am in demand for more than just WPI Live Action Weekend. I got contacted by Nick Milano from RPI last night asking if I would bring games to the weekend he's trying to put together in Troy, exactly one week after the one at WPI. I am quite flattered to be asked, and I'm tentatively interested, but there's a couple of things I'd have to figure out before I agree.

First of all there's the time committment. Two larping weekends in a row is pretty intense. I think my schedule personally could handle it, but I'd be concerned about people like Jared, who I would want to help me run my games, but has too much work to neglect it for two entire weekend. He's already agreed to come out to at least part of WPI weekend to help run Oz, so that's already a chunk of his time committed. Also there's the travel involved. I have a car, but it's a long way and basically we're committed to be there for the entire time. For WPI at least Jared could come out for one of the days but not for the others because we'd just drive there and back; if he needed to stay home one day, he could. For RPI we'd have to go out to New York and crash there. I suppose we could just find him someplace to work when he needed to, but that's something to consider.

Also, there's the matter of what games I would bring. Nick says there's a ton of people out there who haven't played any of my games, which is good to know, but I wonder if there's anything to know about what kind of games are good to bring to RPI. Nick says they're looking for anything, but still. Also, what makes sense from a logistical standpoint? As I mentioned, just the week before I will be running Oz and Paranoia. Oz is a good possibility because it's easy to fill, but Oz will also be running at Intercon in the fall, so will an addition run so close together be super-saturating people with it? Paranoia is probably not feasible, as it is contingent on enough GMs being able to spend the weekend in Troy. What about Alice? I'd be willing to bring Alice, but would we be able to fill it? How big is the weekend's attendance supposed to be? If Jared can't come, he might not be happy if I ran it without him, and I don't think I want to do it without him anyway.

Ahhh, so many variables. Any insight, suggestions, or input would be very much appreciated.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Link repost

I saw this on the larpers community today, and I thought I'd repost it because it looks cool.

http://www.merchants-guild.com/

It's an auction site solely for the paraphernalia of larpers, SCAdians, Renaissance Faire goers, and the like. It's brand-new, so there isn't much on it yet, but spreading the word could change that. This could be a really useful resource for costume and prop acquisition, and if you make stuff to sell, or just have stuff you want to get rid of, this might be the place. The prices look pretty reasonable too. I could see myself going here to fill in gaps in my costuming options.

Gamer blasphemy

What I'm about to say is probably going to cost me a lot of geek credit, but that is a risk I'm willing to take. I'm sure all of you are familiar with the fairly recent closing of Danger Planet, what I understood to have been the only gaming store of its kind in the local Waltham area. This loss was mourned by many, and when people heard that it was going to be replaced by a day spa of some kind, many curses were laid upon the heads of those who allowed nail care and perms to triumph over a sanctuary of our favorite hobby. But, as it turns out, the space that was Danger Planet's is not going to be a day spa. Oh, no. It's going to be a butcher shop and fish market.

Am I a bad geek for how happy this makes me?

In the course of my learning to cook I'm also trying to learn about cuts of meat and fish, a subject I have heretofore found not only inscrutable but even a little intimidating. For this purpose I've been spending a lot of time watching Alton Brown, and he suggests finding a good butcher shop where you can get to know the butchers who work there and be able to ask them questions. I am really happy to have a local source for such a thing. I've never found Hannaford's selection to be all that great. I find the quality at the Butcherie in Brookline very much better, but it's a bit of a drive to get there, and because it's kosher it's awfully expensive. This seems like an excellent local alternative. So, as sorry as I am to see gaming as a hobby in Waltham take a blow, those of you I invite to dinner will benefit from my access to higher quality meat and fish.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Rather cook kosher than Jewish

Made an artichoke pie for Jared to have for lunch today; it is now sitting in the microwave waiting for him to come back from services. I think it came out very nicely, so I am pleased with myself. Especially after last night's Rosh Hashanah dinner, which unfortunately consisted mostly of dishes I couldn't eat.

I must confess, I'm coming to realize I am not really a fan of traditional Jewish cooking. There are really only four food items I am extremely unwilling to eat-- potatoes, noodles, bread, and straight milk --and three out of those four consistently tend to be staples of high holiday meals. Last night was mostly potato kugel and challah, to give you an example. As much as I want to be able to cook for my dear ones who keep kosher, I think I'd rather just figure out ways to kasher dishes of other styles than learn to cook authentic Jewish food.

NPCing! On film!

I had an fun and unusual experience yesterday-- I filmed a briefing for bronzite's next Battletech campaign in the character of one of his NPCs. I really enjoyed the whole process. I've only done a little bit of on-camera acting, most of which was for my silly internship, and it usually didn't give us enough time to learn our lines well enough, or do enough takes to really get it right. This was a simple setup that with a little creativity on our part we worked out pretty well, and I feel pretty good about my performance. I'm very excited to see the finished product, once zapf films the part of the lecherous pirate on whom my Wolf Guards are declaring war. :-) We will crush you, you space scum! I also got to keep my costume, a neat-looking olive-drab coat that is quite cozy. I feel kinda guilty about accepting it, as Bronzite bought it expressly for the purpose of the shoot, but as he put it, it was exactly going to fit him. So, thank you, sir, very generous of you. I hope of those you who are in this campaign enjoy my portrayal. :-)

Friday, September 18, 2009

This first night

The first night of Rosh Hashanah is upon us, and my boys are packed off to services, and I have a rare evening to myself. I cleaned up my room, threw in a load of laundry, and put a piece of haddock on the broiler for dinner. It was a very simple preparation, one my family does at the end of a long day where everyone is too tired to cook, just white fish with salt, pepper, butter, and a splash of lemon juice, broiled for ten minutes, then put between two pieces of hard bread with a leaf or two of lettuce. I am eating it now, parked in front of the TV in my very clean, very comfortable bedroom, and thoroughly enjoying myself.

Heh. It occurs to me that this dish is the one I made for what I consider to be my only truly failed dinner, the time I tried to cook for Taylor's Star Wars campaign. Nobody ate much of any more than one dish each, and as simple as the haddock is I still overcooked it; I had yet to get a feel for my broiler's heat. The failure still haunts me. Most of the people who attended that dinner don't really remember it anymore, but I can only hope to outlive the memory of that day. :-)

I am enjoying the quiet. I don't believe anyone else is home right now. The enormousness of the pleasure of that state of affairs for me is matched only by its rarity. It likely won't last long, either, so I'd better savor it while I can.

Shana tovah, my dears.

Events of the day

I like my office on Fridays. Everybody works from home that day, so I have the place basically to myself. I work best when I'm given an assignment and allowed to go off on my own to do it, and get it back to you when I'm done. I don't like people looking over my shoulder as I work, so the fewer people around, the less that happens. I'm such an antisocial nerd sometimes. :-)

I just recieved word that my Oz bid has been accepted for Intercon J, huzzah! That means the second round of games is posted, and I am officially on the list. Looking over them, I see an interesting game called A Night at the Eden Opera House that sounds like it could be fun, but I think my original assessment of wanting to prioritize The Last Seder and Survivors of the Naronic stands. I suppose it wouldn't be impossible to do all three and run Oz, if the scheduling stars align, but as I said, I prefer to do three events in a weekend so as to have social and relaxation time as well.

My house will be overrun with people this weekend, none of them invited by me, and I'm already starting to feel crowded. It's Rosh Hashana this weekend, which means the parents of one of my roommates come in, take over my kitchen to make the holiday dinner, and generally make me feel like I'm no longer allowed to use my house. They're very nice people, and it's kind of them to invite me to their dinner, but to my sensibilities they've been uncomfortably intrusive. Also, we have a guest staying in the basement for an entire week, and despite the fact that it's not my guest I find myself in the position of being latched on to for company whenever they visit. I kind of want to disappear for the whole weekend, but I'm afraid I will come off as rude to the people who are trying to be nice by inviting me to things, as well as to Jared and some others who want me around. Ah, well. Maybe when they're off at services I can get a little alone time.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Bids in

I have now bid Oz and Paranoia for WPI Live Action Weekend, as I believe it is officially called. After serious consideration, I have decided against bringing Alice. As much as I want to run it again for the people who've missed it, I don't think this is a good venue for it. As a GM I can see the preliminary schedule for the weekend, and there are already several games with twenty-plus slots running; Paranoia is one of them. I'm considering Paranoia to be my priority because it's only had one previous run, and I think the WPI crowd will really appreciate it. This weekend is not projected to be as highly attended as something like Festival, so they will probably not be able to support many large games. Alice, being twenty-seven players and with four previous runs, might have trouble finding enough new people for a small venue. So I am ultimately deciding to hold off on bringing my baby out again until I'm certain I have a place for her. :-) Sorry to those of you who would like a run in the near future. I'm always on the lookout for chances.

So basically all of you need to put WPI Live Action Weekend on your calendar-- November 13th-15th at Worcester Polytechnic Institute, and get ready to play Oz and Paranoia, if you haven't already, and tell all your friends to come play them too. :-) And hey, this time around I'm not packing the weekend solid with my own games, so I'll be able to play in some things as well! Yay!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Episode guide

Finally got myself a Gmail account-- breakinglight11 like the name of the banner under which I run my larps --in preparation for the time when my Brandeis account finally expires. It probably won't anytime in the very near future, but it's good to be ready. Otherwise it doesn't really matter which of my addresses you use, I have them all sent to the same place.

I think I would like to write up a record of what goes on in my Burn Notice game, an episode guide, if you will. I know when Kindness was running the saga of the Fairview Five, Matt would recap each session in his LiveJournal as a way of preserving the story. I always liked this idea, as it is a way of holding on to a story that you wrote that is told in a medium as ephemeral as the roleplaying game. As I'm trying to make it feel as much like a TV show as possible, I'm considering the story in the units of "episodes"-- not necessarily sessions, but the complete self-contained story that a single episode of a show would contain. In the four sessions we've had so far, there have been three episodes, begun if not completed. The pilot to our "show" was the two-parter getting Donovan knocked out of the field and stumbling back to Miami as a burned spy, combining the attempt on his life signaling the burn, his awkward return to his hometown and all the baggage he left behind, and the first job he would go on as part of Bruce's investigation team. Now we're onto the second episode, with another job and introducing some of the ongoing elements of the story. When I write them up, I'll also give them titles like real episodes. Now that I think about it, if I recall correctly the Buffy system is designed to function like seasons of a TV show-- is there any tangible effect of that on the way the game is run, or is it just flavor? Regardless, I like it, and want something similar for my game.

Ally's birthday

Today is the birthday of youareverysmall*and the whole world should wish her unicorns and guacamole and fuzzy hats and other nice things.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

WPI Larp Weekend?

So I recently recieved an e-mail from nyren about the idea of a larp weekend along the lines of Festival of the Larps at WPI this coming November. I for one would be really happy to have another larping event to attend, particularly one that's a lot sooner than Festival and Intercon. It sounds as if this one would be a lot smaller scale-- after all, it can take a few years to really build attendance to a larp weekend, as we learned with Festival --so any games there would be more of the focal point of the event than at larger ones. I've already bid Oz, as a fifteen-player game that's only run twice before I figure that's a good choice. I am debating whether or not to bid Alice as well; I know there are people, at WPI and elsewhere, who still want to play it, but it's a twenty-seven-player game and what with four previous runs I'm not sure a smaller weekend is going to be able to fill it. I'll ask around and see what people think; I'd be more than happy to bring it if people believe there will be enough interest.

The really interesting proposition, however, is if we should bring Paranoia. As Nyren pointed out, at WPI Paranoia games go over really well, so perhaps this would be a golden opportunity to rerun Research and Dismemberment for a really enthusiastic audience. I will have to talk to my co-GMs. The game went pretty well the first time but it needs a significant amount of editing, so we'd have to commit to undertaking that before we could bid it. I would be up for it, any of you guys who are reading this-- let me know your feelings as well. But the weekend would be November 13th-15th, so we'd have to decide fast and get to work.

Catching up...

Gah, busy weekend. Jared and I tried to go to a Red Sox game Friday night with Steph and Walter, but it was unfortunately rained out. I actually did enjoy the trip and the company, so it wasn't a total loss, but I am kind of disappointed about the fifty bucks I spent on the ticket.

Saturday was helping laurion move furniture to his new place. I really enjoyed this day, as it was spent doing helpful productive things that were incidentally also good exercise with lots of people I wanted to hang out with. I also spoke to Nat about the game he is working on with Susan and Vito, and agreed to be part of the writing team. I'm incredibly flattered to be asked; I think this could be a really great learning experience to try working in a group of people who have lots experience working this way and generated a lot of good games with it. We are working on scheduling a meeting. I must get myself up to speed on all the materials now.

Sunday was spent about half moping and feeling yucky and half solidifying the session of Burn Notice I would be running that evening. I actually really love the plot for this "episode" that we're going through now. My GMing style is to do as much prep work ahead of time as possible, so I'm not scrambling to come up with things, and I am always able to keep the story moving. I know as a player I strongly dislike when the action drags and the players just sort of don't do anything because there's nowhere to go. So I always try to keep things as fleshed out as possible beforehand, so the players always have something to move toward. I think it's worked pretty well so far.

Also, the working scripts my brother got me from the Burn Notice set arrived in the mail. One of them was to the third season premiere, which was pretty damn cool. The second one, however, is from an episode that HASN'T EVEN AIRED YET. How awesome is that? Thanks to Casey doing me a favor, I got a sneak preview of a brand-new Burn Notice! It's a pretty good one, too. I'm having him over for dinner tomorrow, and now I am especially happy to feed him in thanks.

Friday, September 11, 2009

My quest at work today

At work today I was asked to locate some random textbook. I was given almost no information on this book other than the series it belonged to and told to check a particular place in another building. After making the roundabout and labyrinthine trek, I found myself in a small library whose classification system seemed determined by the drunken hurling of darts at various places on the shelves. But a nice lady who smelled like cocoa butter overheard me muttering frustratedly to myself, and rather than deciding I was a crazy person instead offered to help me. She directed me to another lady who had just washed her hair, so she smelled like gardenias. There turned out to be about a million different varieties of the kind of text I was sent after and I had no idea which was the right one. So we didn't find the stupid thing, but I like it when people who smell nice are nice to me.

So I made the perilous return journey back to my little office and Googled what very little data I possessed on my quarry. The publishing company's website presented their information on their product in such a way as likened to a crime scene where one can piece together the whole story if one happens to possess the deductive abilities of Sherlock Holmes. Still, my meager talents managed to glean to a reasonable degree of surety the correct edition of the textbook I sought. So back through the tunnels and back in the library. But try as I might, I could not locate this volume among the literary miasma on those shelves. Then it suddenly occurred to me-- practically everyone here has a little shelf in their office packed with textbooks. Perhaps it had wandered away from its brothers and into a less... haphazard locale.

You see, the educational non-profit for which I am currently working, has a corporate culture such that nobody ever closes the doors to their offices. Even when they leave for the day, nothing ever gets closed up. Normally this drives me batty, as not only do I very much prefer people not being able to look in on me every time they pass by, but the orientation of my desk means I have to sit with my back to the open door. Today, however, this worked to my advantage. There is almost nobody actually in the office today-- apparently most of them work Fridays from home --and hall after hall of open offices. So I prowled around, ninja-like, and dug through everyone's bookshelf, until, at length and at last, I found the volume I had spent the last several hours searching for.

Giggling to myself in triumph, I was so pleased with my cunning and my disregard for the personal space of others I hardly thought of the byzantine journey to return to my office. I copied the relevant pages-- the knowledge of which, honestly, was my only real clue as to which book was proper --and scurried back to the breached perimeter to replace the text before anyone ever noticed it was gone. I triumphantly sent the fruits of my labors to the boss that requested it, and have now rewarded myself by taking the time to relate this all to you.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Less emo post

Mmkay, after that long emo post, I'll try and focus on more positive things.

I got a part in Romeo and Juliet! I am playing Paris, county and cousin to the Prince of Verona, with whom I am well pleased because I get a fight scene as well as whenever I'm not around all the other characters praise me effusively. I can get behind that. :-) The show is going up during Parents' Weekend this year, which means a short rehearsal period, but also that we get a built-in audience with all those families around that need something to do.

Also, my brother just got around to telling me about the nice thing he did for me. He was in LA all this past summer being a PA on television productions, and a friend of his, his roommate, did the same thing in Florida. His friend worked on Burn Notice, and Casey got him to bring me back a copy of a director's script and one of the actors' scripts, he couldn't remember which one. Isn't that cool? Casey can be really cool when he wants to be. Speaking of Burn Notice, I'm hoping the get my tabletop game running again this coming Sunday. I have a really cool session in mind, so I'm pretty excited.

Tried a new pumpkin pie recipe this past weekend. Made in conjunction with my famous apple and berry pie recipes, it was more complicated than my typical one, involving pre-baking cooking and freshly ground spices that gave it quite a kick. I really liked it, though, it's very flavorful, if perhaps a bit strong. I had so much of the supplies left over that I made four little mini-pies as well in my darling red ramekins. Figuring out baking time was a bit of a challenge-- they're four-inch vessels but they're much deeper than the typical pie pan --so I basically just threw them in and checked them every five minutes until they were done. I think it took about a half an hour in total. Still, they came out tasty, and I had the pleasure of looking at lovely little mini-pies. I do so love tiny food.

Yes, I am not doing fantastically lately. But I'm trying to get past it.

9/9/09

It is 9:09AM on September 9th, 2009.

9:09 9/9/09.

Cool.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Vague status report

This entry is likely to be a little rambling, vague, and unfocused, so please pardon. What I'm trying to accomplish is a bit difficult given the limits I'm putting on myself, but I am doing my best to get my point across in a way that makes me feel comfortable.

A lot of people put up status reports on the states of their lives and how they're doing and feeling at a given time so that their friends understand what's up with them, particularly if their current state affects their behavior or mood. I like this idea, but I do not so much like letting people in on private matters that may be the reason for my status. So I am endeavoring to express where I am in such a way as still allows me the privacy I need.

I am not at my best lately. I would guess this has been clear to some and not so clear to others. I'm trying to deal with some difficult things lately, and they are a not-insignificant source of stress. My schedule has also been very tightly packed with committments and responsibilities, and I find myself a bit overwhelmed by my lack of free time. Finallyy, I feel like the level of prying that has been done into my affairs has placed an additional burden on me that makes everything even more difficult for me to bear, and has done a great deal to chip away at my wellbeing.

As I've said before, I'm not the kind of person who likes airing laundry in public. I know that for many people talking is the way to feel better and deal with problems, but this not only does not often help me, it very frequently makes things worse. I get embarrassed, even ashamed of myself, when people are aware of the negative stuff I have to deal with. It makes me feel bad about myself. Also, it has been my experience that when I confide in people, they inevitably form an opinion about the matter. I don't want people forming opinions about my life; I don't feel it's their place to pass judgment. If I have ever confided in you any of my real troubles, the more you develop an opinion on any of it, the less I am inclined to confide anything of substance in you further. Some of you I know have already experienced this. I apologize if this hurts your feelings, but I'm not going to continue doing something designed to make me feel better when it's just making me feel worse.

Through no actions of my own, I have been put in a position a lot lately of people learning things about my life that I don't feel are their business, and been subject to their feelings on the matter. On one hand, I respect that other people don't necessarily deal with things the same way I do, and need to talk stuff out with others. On the other hand, I kind of resent that people are let into my business without my consent, and as such I am forced against my will to deal with their opinions.

The judgment has felt heavier than usual lately. It's starting to get to me, leading to me feeling drained, oversensitive, and less able to bear the people I feel are digging into places they don't belong. Because of this, I've been more withdrawn and less up for things lately, particularly things involving large crowds consisting of people I don't want to deal with. I've had less patience for just about everything, for which if you've been on the recieving end recently I apologize.

I think this will pass soon, provided I get enough time away from the presses of other people's unwanted involvement. But for the meantime I am not quite myself. Please forgive me. But frankly, people... lay off. Please don't dig where it clearly distresses me for you to do so. Respect my privacy, give me the benefit of the doubt that I am handling things as best as I am able. It is not your place to render judgment.

I'm not sure if this makes any sense. But for now, that's where I am, and that is what I need.

Friday, September 4, 2009

No credit

I am tired of people having no faith in me. I am tired of people assuming the worst of me.

Am I so base? Do I command so little respect? Is the expectation of me so low?

For Christ's sake, give me some credit.

"Remind me-- which one of Kyle's eyes is really looking at me?" "The brown one."


Recently started rewatching Frasier, one of my all-time favorite TV shows. I love how witty and highbrow the humor is, and how unsually well-written for a sitcom. The main cast also consists of some of my favorite actors.

One thing that always strikes me when I encounter it is the issue of families that don't express emotion well. This is a reccurring issue on Frasier. My family was never, ever like that, so it's always a bit of a stretch of the imagination to understand where that's coming from. For my family, saying nice things has always been the single most frequent and most important demonstration of our love for each other. We say "I love you" constantly, and I've come to regard it as just kind of the way people who care about each other behave. I know a lot of people have an association of men with the inability to express emotion, but that's not how I grew up. My father, who is a man's man by any definition, has always been as demonstrative with love and encouragment as could be. In fact, I think one of the reasons why I want and need to have people give me compliments and say nice things to me so badly is because I've been brought up in such a way that one indicates one's love and respect by saying it.

That sort of thing is immeasurably more valuable to me than just about anything else in my interactions with people. Take, for example, the fact that I don't really dig the whole traditional celebration of birthdays. This is mostly because I dislike the custom of gift-giving associated with it. Besides the fact that I dislike monetary expediture equaling affection, the older I get, the more I come to dislike "stuff"-- physical things are increasingly becoming no more to me than useless clutter. So I don't want to have people feeling like they're obligated to buy me stuff. I would much rather a little note telling me something real and meaningful about something you like about me. To me, that's the most precious thing in the world.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Only beautiful

The belief that a beautiful girl can only be beautiful, and nothing else. That it would be too unfair if she were also smart or talented or kind. The gift God already gave her is far too much. Beauty is seen as so rare and valuable that even if it doesn't trump everything else, it takes a lot of everything else to make up for the lack of it. That girl mustn't be anything of real substance. She's got too much to herself already.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

A Midsummer Night and the Living is Easy

At long last I'm going to get to play in the Iron GM-winning game written by bronzite, londo, elenuial, and Eager Mike, (am I forgetting anyone? nyren?) A Midsummer Night and the Living is Easy. I've wanted to play in this game ever since the contest when they wrote it; I love the premise, and I have since heard so many good reviews from players that I am crazy excited. It's going to be running late on Friday night of WPI's Gaming Weekend, and thus far lightgamer has agreed to make a trip of it with me. I'm trying to get jh1230 to come as well, and Ryan or linearequation if they can make it, and make a little Brandeis contingent of it. I don't love the timeslot of 11PM to 1AM, especially since it's a forty-five minute drive to get there, but with a group I won't mind. I've been running so much lately it feels like I haven't played in a larp in forever, so that'll be a nice change of pace.

I am excited to see what Midsummer elements have gotten into the game. As you know I just played Puck, so I have an affinity for that character, but they'd probably cast a guy as Puck anyway if he's in there. I don't know if they're casting at the door or what, but if that's the case, given the film-noir aesthetic I know what I'm going to wear-- black cocktail dress that I wore as Wendy Noyes in the MCR2K, elbow-length black gloves (wanted opera-length, couldn't find them), black stockings with garters, and if I can get a hold of a cigarette holder, so much the better. Hmm. I feel like I need a diaphanous wrap or something, preferably in white for accent but black would work too. Wonder if I could find one on short notice.
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